It's been a long time since I blogged in real-time. Without scheduling posts, without writing about things that happened months ago. I wanted to write about something else today.

 

Truth is I've been feeling terrible today, which is weird. I had dinner plans that I was really looking forward to, and I had a really cozy movie night at home with Matilda yesterday. I fell asleep soon after she left and woke up 12 hours later feeling completely drained. It's like I hit a wall overnight. The thought of going outside stressed me out - even though I knew I was going to have a good time with people I like. There was a physical pressure over my chest, making it hard to breathe, and I felt like something could set me off and make me cry any second. My body was tired while my mind was running a mile a minute. All I could focus on was not falling apart. I don't know if that's anxiety, but I experienced a deep discomfort.

 

I have felt like that many times before, so I knew it was temporary. I was planning to force myself to go out, put on a brave face and just not feel whatever was tugging away at my inner peace. I'm pretty good at that. Just going for it and ignoring my down days. I don't often take time to feel low, and I don't often confess when I'm not well. Unless I have some very specific reason like a deadline, a fight or a broken heart. On days like today, when it's abstract and comes over me seemingly out of nowhere, it's really hard to talk about.

 

But I did. I called my friend and said I had to cancel. 

"My head, it is... I am, I mean I'm not feeling well at all."

"OK. Is it a headache? Are you feverish?"

"No. No, it's not physical. It's, ehm, it's my mind, I don't know. I just can't go out tonight."

"Okay. What can I do for you?"

"I don't know. Nothing really, it will pass. But thank you"

"That's alright. Take some time to yourself. Call me if you need anything".

 

The same friend texted me a few hours later and asked what I was up to. Checked in on how I was feeling. Without judgement. 

"Don't worry, I'll be fine!" I said, not wanting to ruin their evening.

"I'm never worried about you", my friend replied. "I know you're always slaying the game".

I smiled, and realised something important. It's OK to let people in, to be vulnerable. It doesn't mean that you become a burden to them, or that you are forcing your problems or troubles upon them. It doesn't mean you automatically become That Annoying Friend™. Sharing thoughts and feelings is something else. It's a vital part of being true to yourself and forming authentic relationships.

 

I don't know why it's so hard for me to reach out to my friends when I'm sad. Part of me feels like it's not right. I'm supposed to be the one at the other end, the friend who picks up the phone to support their loved one in distress! I'm not the type of person who reaches out. 

 

But why shouldn't I be...? I've realised that healthy connections need to go both ways. I need to let some of the 
"bad" seep out every once in a while. Just like I want to support them, I need to let my wonderful friends and family support me. I need to give them the opportunity to show how kind, supportive and loving they are. Otherwise I'll probably end up alone, bitter and breaking under the weight of life's burdens. 

 

So, what did I end up doing today then? I called my mother, took a long shower, listened to three podcasts and put on two face-masks (not at the same time). I had ice-cream and Coca-cola zero for dinner and now I'm contemplating going out to buy some popcorn or chocolate. It's not what I had in mind for today, but I think it's what I needed. 

 

Til next time. / Julia