?
Hey guys, I'm back!
The reason for my absence? Well honestly, I forgot my blog password and I've been to lazy to reset it... Yes, really. Tonight I finally did and logged on to publish a post that I've been working on lately! However, I found a draft titled "?" that I didn't remember writing. Turns out I wrote something almost exactly a month ago that really resonates with how I've been feeling these last couple of days. I guess it's part of those, erm... monthly feelings that many of us have, if you know what I mean. It's personal, it's raw and it's scary, but here it is. Maybe reading this could bring some comfort to someone, in which case it will be worth sharing.
September 8th 2016
This post is hard for me to write. I want to, but I'm not sure where to start. Normally, I avoid posting on social media etc. when I'm not feeling a 100%. Either that, or I filter out the stuff that aren't so great.
I have come to a point where I accept myself. My whole self. Even at times when I'm not feeling well.
I want to be authentic. I want to be genuine. And I don't want you to know only the carefully selected, filtered, well thought out part of me. So here goes nothing. A raw, barely edited look into my mind as it is right now.
Thing is, I've felt so stressed this past week. It's just been really heavy and really really hard to deal with things. I don't think life is neccessarily tougher now than it normally is, but I can definitely notice changes in my behaviour and in my reactions.
Like right now for example. It's almost midnight, I'm exhausted but I can't go to sleep. I'm still up, my pulse is kind of high and something just doesn't feel right. I have a really hard time winding down. Got to school early, had a productive day and I felt like I could focus pretty well on the tasks at hand. Everything seems to be going well when my mind is distracted. I haven't slept enough all week and it's starting to take its' toll on me. Instead of taking a nap after school, I spent a couple of hours cleaning out the kitchen. Then I went out for a meal at Kulturhuset (the Culture House, deserves its own post!), got back around 8 and since then I've been busy. Browsing, snapchatting, writing, making lists, even sketching. Anything at all to not wind down.
It's hard. I'm so so so tired but I can't. I can't chill. It's like it has taken hold of my body and planted a feeling in there that I can't get rid of. I am so scared.
I'm scared of screwing up my admission for Singapore. Scared of not passing my courses. Scared of missing deadlines. Scared of leaving Jönköping. Scared of getting sick. Scared of rejection. Scared of writing this. I'm just so tired and I know all of this is going to be okay once I go to bed and get a good nights sleep but it's hard.
I'm having trouble breathing and I don't know if this is anxiety. Is this anxiety? I get so much done in the days when I feel like this, but nights are terrible. And I know hormones have a great deal to do with it too. It's probably PMS I don't know but it sucks. I get stuck in my mind and I can't stop the thoughts or the tears or the pain in my stomach and I don't know. I'm scared of falling back into depression. I know what that low-point is like and I don't want to go there again. It's like someone is pressing on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe properly.